Lately, or rather, as of two nights ago, I have been trying to make sense of my reality. It's changed in the most unexpected way and surprisingly, I feel more aligned than I have felt in the last couple of months. It's so bittersweet that this is the alignment I have been searching for. I guess you never expect the things you yearn for to cost what they do. I for one, have been focused on the gain from this alignment. I never once thought about the things I'd have to shed. The things that would be taken from me.
There's a dull ache that sits in my chest. It's almost personified. This ache lives in the background. I write, complete tasks, chat with friends, live my life and its there almost lurking. When I rest, or try and clear my mind this dull ache transforms into a vast, all-consuming, raging sadness. A violent wave of grief I guess. It's huge, like an angered ocean engulfing anything within it. It ravages and runs throughout my body to the tips of my toes, and my fingertips. It bellows. This ache is so familiar. She's been here before.
November has become a landmark for this feeling I guess. I truly do not want it to stay like this, but I'm just saying it really has been like this since I turned 18. I understand that I am still navigating life, I am still finding balance, I know, that's why I'm here writing all of this. It's just that November is my healing season, my releasing season. It's a very wellness-focused month because I am likely hurting.
My alignment this month has come with pain. It has come with grief and it has given me a new level of understanding what I want for myself. I have been very focused this year and it has brought me gifts I am eternally grateful for. It taught me lessons, and this specific one by far has been the biggest. It is too soon to divulge the true details of what happened but the most peculiar returning thought I've had so far is one single word. Alchemy.
alchemy
/ˈalkɪmi/
noun
a seemingly magical process of transformation, creation, or combination.
"finding the person who's right for you requires a very subtle alchemy"
Alchemy is the process of transmutation. Turning something into something else. Usually purer or more powerful. In all of this grief, I am looking for ways to relieve pain, as one does. Everything my friends would recommend aren't deep enough. I need something that will balance my spirit. The answer is alchemy.
Finding ways to alchemise the things that I've felt in the past 3 years has been something so difficult to pin down. The world is so over stimulating and fast moving that I've been so caught up in it. Its been to much, too stressful, too tiring. I just want to rest. I've needed to find a way to pull back into myself. To reconnect with the person I identify to be and the things she does.
Writing this post has brought me a sense of catharsis. To be able to use words to describe something so hard to pallet is relieving to say the least. It does bring a sense of peace to my heart, knowing that I can paint a picture with the pain I was served with. Alchemizing the grief that comes with betrayal is a lot deeprt and more complex than I ever thought it would be, but at the same time, it has connected me with my divinity and has been a small step back into finding balance. Balance here being stability in my life.
I am grateful for the opportunity granted to me to regroup and reasses my life. The opportunity to raise my standards as well as create a better place within myself to rest within as I heal this November.
Thank you for visiting me during this time. I hope you visit again soon 🤍
T x